I'd tapped lightly, part of me hoping I wouldn't be heard. But the door was opened almost immediately.
"Nicky!" As always, Bodie was pleased to see me, and didn't seem surprised. "Come in."
The phone rang as he swung the door shut behind me and he swore; the time long gone when he watched his language in front of me.
"Hang on." He waved me to the sofa as he answered it.
I sank onto the cushions, relieved at the respite, paying scant attention to his side of the conversation.
My eyes were drawn to him, as he leant casually against the bookcase, chatting to the caller. His dark good looks were, as always, giving him a slightly dangerous air and I shivered, in spite of the fact that this was one of the only two men I trusted.
I shifted uneasily; the urge to get up and run for the door strong. But I'd spent too long thinking about this to run away now.
Giving me an apologetic grin, Bodie settled more firmly into the position against the bookcase; it was obviously going to be a long call.
That was OK. I'd tried to rehearse what I was going to say to him but most of the phrases had disappeared when I knocked on the door. Maybe another few minutes would give me a chance to remember them...
Instead, my thoughts turned backwards. I remembered the first time I saw Bodie, in the dark of the warehouse. He'd seemed dangerous then too, dressed in black, hard... so unlike casual, scruffy Ray. But he'd won Katie over in minutes, seeming to appreciate the sort of nonsense that could amuse a child.
Instinct had told me we were safe with them, in spite of experience. Once I'd got over my initial fear that night, and placed some faith in them and Mr Cowley, I'd realised that maybe all men weren't the same.
There was something about Ray, maybe his obvious concern for us kids, that meant I'd begun to trust him almost immediately; enough to turn to him when Paul was missing.
I'd remained wary of Bodie. Notwithstanding Katie's affection for him - and his for her - he'd always seemed distant to me; less approachable, somehow shuttered. But he'd opened up a little on the night of Paul's death, and I'd seen past the barriers to the man underneath, to the person Katie could see.
In the weeks following that, Bodie had been around a lot more, taking Mum out. Katie had loved it; enjoying the attention and laughter Bodie brought into her life. But in spite of the new insight I'd found, I couldn't trust him.I tried hard not to let it show. But whenever he stayed the night with Mum, I didn't sleep...
I was relieved when he stopped calling Mum and coming round. She'd shrugged it off, she hadn't got so involved with Bodie that it upset her. I was sorry for Katie however; she was the one who missed him most.
I'd taken it for granted that Ray had stayed in touch with us, both during that time and especially afterwards, when I was recovering from the abduction. Bodie had been concerned enough about my physical well-being, but hadn't Ray's perception to see beyond the obvious injuries.
And he should never have known. But that day, Katie's birthday it had been, when they'd arrived a bit late, I could see something had happened to Bodie. All the natural self-assurance and confidence I was used to was missing, and he'd gazed at Katie and her friends as if they were something from his nightmares. And just before he met my eyes, I saw a flash of something on his face I'd prayed I'd never see again...
It was strange, when I knew Ray so much better and trusted him implicitly, how I'd talked to Bodie instead. Maybe Ray knew too much - he'd have been sympathetic but too understanding - but Bodie didn't understand anything and was hurting as well. Whatever it was, despite what had happened to Bodie, I simply found I could honestly tell him what I'd really known, deep down, all along - that I trusted him.He put the phone down and turned back to me, grinning. "Sorry about that." I forced down a panicky feeling and managed a smile. "S'OK."
He studied me for a few seconds. "I'll put the kettle on and get us a coffee, then we can talk, yeah?"
I nodded, doing my best to ignore the impulse nagging me to make some excuse to leave, and watched him disappear into the small kitchen. I was sure he hadn't missed my nervousness; he'd got to know me well even if I'd not seen him much over the last couple of years.
He returned a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of strong coffee, sitting opposite me. "So how's things? Your job going all right?"
"Fine, thanks."
"And has Katie settled down?"
I grinned, the normal conversation relaxing me a bit. "The college doesn't know what's hit it..."
His love and pride for Katie shone through like a beacon; the child he'd never had. "Doesn't surprise me. Thought she'd shake them up."
There was a pause, and I took refuge in the coffee.
"Louise OK?" I nodded, startled into looking up at him. "Then what's up?"Hell. In his own way, Bodie was as perceptive as Ray, and I felt myself flush slightly. "Nothing."
His eyes narrowed, but he left it. "Just passing then?"
I didn't - couldn't - answer, and dropped my gaze back to the coffee. This wasn't going to work. I couldn't ask him.
He got up and moved to the stereo, fiddling about with switches and eventually filling the room with gentle, melodic music, before turning to face me. "Sure you're OK?"
"Yeah." I made a pretence of looking at my watch, and fumbled my coffee onto the table. I had to get out of there. "Sorry, Bodie, I've got to go..."He caught me before I reached the door, strong hands gripping my arms firmly, and I froze, deeply-buried memories rushing swiftly to the surface and leaving me petrified.
Even after all these years; even with him, I still couldn't bear to be held.He sensed the fear and panic, and relaxed his grip, although keeping his hands hovering just around my arms. "Nicky?"
I heard the hesitation in his voice, looking up in time to catch the insecurity and uncertainty flitting across his face, and understood.
If I'd drawn strength and reassurance from him and Ray over the last few years, then Bodie had needed me just as much. At first it was because of what had happened, what I knew; but it had grown into something else.
He'd turn up, alone, defencelessness screaming at me. It was much later I'd realised that when it happened he was alone and vulnerable because something had happened to Ray. At the time I'd simply understood he needed someone to hold.
But what he needed from me at this moment was reassurance that he hadn't upset me in some way.
"Oh, Bodie..." I stepped closer without hesitation to hug him and felt him relax, arms folding gently around me.He spoke, sounding relieved, mouth close to my ear. "S'better. Come on, talk to me. Maybe I can help."
I doubted that. Not now. And I couldn't go to Ray. He just wouldn't; he was too - honourable. A strange, old-fashioned word maybe, but it suited him.
Instead I shook my head at Bodie, whilst allowing him to lead me back to the sofa. He waited silently until I spoke. "I split up with Peter."
Bodie nodded sympathetically. "Did you argue?"
"Not really."
It was the same old story. We'd been together three months, and Peter had been more patient than most of the others, but everyone has their limit.
I gazed at Bodie, wanting to tell him more, to explain, but the words weren't there. He seemed to accept the arrival and departure of partners in my life as normal; perhaps, for him, it was. But in my life, my friends were settling down, getting married, staying together...
I felt the failure, knew what was wrong; yet couldn't put it right. And maybe the notion I'd had wouldn't have helped anyway.
Bodie was still staring at me, his dark blue eyes seeming to look perceptively beyond the face I wanted to show him. "So what did happen?"
"It doesn't matter." But it did matter. I felt the tears well in my eyes. It had been too soon to think of loving Peter, but I had cared about him more than any of the few others I'd let share my life, and losing him hurt.Instantly, Bodie was holding me. Gently, but firmly. I felt safe; I was safe.
I swallowed back the tears and drew away. Would I lose that? If I asked him, and if he said yes... There was nothing to say I'd feel any differently, and it could damage our relationship in the process.
That thought hadn't occurred to me before. I shook slightly as the implications sank in, and any lingering doubts vanished.
What I had with Bodie was too valuable, too precious to be risked.No - I'd get through this on my own. Or I wouldn't.
I stood up to leave, and Bodie moved with me. He wouldn't question me; unlike Ray, who'd not leave off badgering if he thought something was wrong. Not that he often got far with me. I was inclined to clam up if pushed. In fact, like Bodie himself, from what Ray had said. Maybe that was why he respected my reticence.
I paused at the door, and he gave me a gentle hug.
"I'm here if you need me."
"Always need you." The words stuck in my throat as I found myself caught up in his blue gaze.
"Yeah." Something flickered across his face and he frowned slightly, expression strange. "Nicky - you know I don't tell Ray everything."
In spite of my resolution, I wished I could ask him. But I found myself making assenting noises, and saying goodbye, and yes, I'd call soon...I had to run for the bus, but once safely on board, I thought about the last few minutes, trying to decide what Bodie had meant. And no matter which way I looked at it, I knew he'd guessed.
I wasn't sure whether that was good or bad...
Lost in thought, I was almost at the steps to my flat before I recognised the car at the kerb.
Peter was standing awkwardly by the open door. "Been waiting for you."
"I've been out." Stupid. He knew that...
He gave a slight grin. "Yeah. Nicky - we have to talk."
Beside him, Bananarama were belting out their latest hit on the car radio: 'Love, Truth and Honesty'. Maybe it was time for a little of that. I had to make a start somewhere.
I met Peter's eyes squarely. "Yes. I think we do. There's something I should tell you."And whatever happened between us, I still had Ray and Bodie... That was safe.