Epilogue - Take Care...

The phone's been ringing all evening, off and on. Somehow, I know it's you. And I know I should answer it; but I just can't. Not tonight.
          I'll phone you tomorrow; make some excuse about being with Col. Tonight I need to just sit and think; just be alone...
 

'Take care.'
          That was it. A simple, careless - meaningless - phrase. Your last words stayed with me for the whole journey.
          I didn't expect any more. But it still hurts.

I came to London not knowing who you were; the person I thought I knew didn't exist. In his place was something altogether more real - and more frightening.

When we first met at the stables you were different. It wasn't hard to see the strength inside, but there was a vulnerability that I saw straight away. Maybe it was only visible to me because I'd suffered as well. Whatever the reason, I reached out, and you accepted the help.
          You let your defences and barriers down, and let me help. I realise now how unusual that was; that I'd reached a level that even your partner rarely gets access to.
          At the time, it just seemed natural, right. And helping you helped me. No one is ever going to stop me feeling guilty, but things are better.
          Even just after the shooting, I noticed the difference in you; you were getting back to normal and didn't need me. Although you spent as much time with me as you could when I got out of the hospital, before you went back to London after just a couple of days.
          I wasn't going to miss you; I'd only known you a week. We'd slept together a couple of times, that was all. It was just one of those casual passing relationships.

Except it wasn't.
          I can't say I thought about you constantly, but in the following months you had prior claim on my idle moments, particularly when I was alone in the cottage. I'd picture you sitting beside me; all cosily domestic.
          Unrealistic pipe dreams; and I knew it. I'd laugh at myself.
          Somehow, that didn't stop me wanting.

When Harry Walter appeared at the stable and the trouble started, I knew where to turn for help, and you didn't let me down.
          But in that few days I saw a different person to the Bodie I remembered; the one I'd spent too many hours thinking about. You were strong and sure of yourself; any vulnerabilities gone, or at least buried. I watched you in action; saw how you dealt with Jason, and how you worked with Ray and Ruth to find out where Alice was.
          Being a part of that, being beside you for much of the time, I discovered more about you.
          Particularly when we were caught at Walter's house.
          You scared me then. Really scared me. Even though deep down I knew you must just be acting, it didn't really matter. I couldn't believe you could be so callous - for a few moments I almost believed you were actually going over to Walter's side.
          It was then I realised just how much I didn't know about you. That you were a stranger to me; someone who lives in a different world.

Then you were called away right after the arrests, and we didn't get a chance to talk. In a way I was pleased; I needed some time to sort out how I felt.
          I suppose I knew right from the start that you were special. Naively, I had believed it wouldn't make any difference to me; but it was only when I recognised how far apart we were, that I realised just how much I wanted to be with you.
          So when Ray got in touch, I agreed to see you, and in a way coming to London made that easier because I would see you in your world, rather than mine. If there any chance of anything working out between us, it had to be in your world.

We talked, that first evening. You managed to convince me - not that I took a lot of convincing, I wanted to believe you - that there was more to you than I'd seen. And I did believe you.
          I know there has to be more to you than I've seen, even now. Between the Bodie I first knew with fears and failings, and the ruthless, hard Bodie who betrayed me to a criminal, there has to be more.
          Much, much more.

I was prepared to stay for a while. Instinct was telling me that it wouldn't work; that I should retreat to the safety of what I knew. But I've never been much good at listening to the logical side of myself which is why, even though I'd been caught up in the bombing, when I saw the bomber outside the Deckers' house I followed him without thinking about the possible consequences.

When you asked why I was sitting in the dark and I said I was just thinking, it was true.
          I have good reason to know how dangerous it is in your world. Sitting alone waiting for you to come back, I was imagining you hurt; or worse, not coming back at all. I couldn't live like that.
          Even if you wanted me to - and though it hurts, I know you don't - I couldn't live with you.

Oh, I know you care about me; I didn't need Ray's reassurance of that. I'd like to believe that it goes deeper than just caring about a girl you've slept with once or twice, but I don't think it does.
          I love you, but that isn't enough. So this time, I've listened to my instinct; kept my head in charge of my heart and accepted that we're not meant to be together.

I believe you're capable of falling in love. Just not with me.
 

So now I'm back in my world; at the stables with the horses, where everything's safe and normal.
          Maybe one day I'll be able to explain it to you. One day, when I understand it myself.

But until then, take care, Bodie.