General regulations
There is to be no shooting, torturing or killing of fellow operatives on the premises. (The car park is available for such activities.)
No smoking in the VIP Lounge - it sets off the sprinklers and a certain person has complained it ruins his perm...
There shall be no drinking of the Controller's whisky - unless you've devised a foolproof method for getting away with it, in which case such method must be shared with the rest of us.
1.Fraternisation
Go for it!
2. Holidays/Time Off
All operatives are entitled to 10 (ten) days off per month - providing said month has a 'z' in it.
Otherwise, leave is at the controller's discretion.
Maternity/Paternity leave - it is not expected that any operative should require any...
3. Promotion
KGB rules apply (advancement by assassination) except where the controller is concerned. Too many operatives have lost their own lives trying this and it is no longer an acceptable method - CI5 can't afford to lose good men.
Alternatively, anyone still alive after 10 (ten) years of active service may be considered for promotion. Promotion to what, exactly, we're not too sure since CI5 doesn't have ranks...
The controller's post, should it fall vacant, will be allocated according to skills and experience. But we expect him to live forever, so don't get your hopes up.
4. Retirement
CI5 operatives are allowed to retire on a full pension after 30 (thirty) years of active service - provided there's a 'z' in the month of the proposed retirement date.
Operatives wishing to take early retirement should make an appointment to see the controller (at the time of writing, the earliest available appointment is in about 37 (thirty seven) years time.)
Of course, this assumes you live that long. Any operative dying in the course of duty may be sold to medical science or have their body embalmed and used as a target during firearms practice.
5. Pay Rises
See rule 2.
6. Training
Following the Induction Course all successful applicants will:
Report to the Controller when demanded
Subject themselves to a comprehensive and humiliating medical examination (to be repeated at three monthly intervals)
Report for intensive physical training (to include karate, judo, kung fu tiger form, ninjitsu, seppuku and origami)
Those who survive the foregoing will report for arms instruction and target practice
Report for advanced driving courses (obligatory - claustrophobia, tachophobia (no, that's not a fear of Mexican food - look it up sometime...), gephyrophobia, and amaxophobia will not be accepted as excuses for avoiding these courses. Neither will a fear of your head falling off.)
Further training will be provided depending on individual aptitudes (e.g. acrophobics will be sent abseiling, dipsophobics will be immured with the Controller for 24 hours).
7. Accommodation
Contrary to popular opinion, CI5 is not made of money and does not possess unlimited unlisted accommodation. Operatives would not get on this list anyway - the Controller will recognise your voice. Find your own, and we will fit locks and alarms, and maybe pay some of your rent.
8. Vehicles and Equipment
Vehicles
We have to let you drive our cars because they're the ones fitted with R/Ts. But we don't like it, and we don't appreciate you:
a) crashing our vehicles
b) bringing them back full of bullet holes, and
c) not bringing them back at all.
Take care of our cars, and they will take care of you. Don't take care of them, and we will
certainly take care of you...
Rubber is expensive! Don't waste it. And look after your tyres too.
Guns to be employed on legitimate CI5 business only, and not for pistol whipping colleagues, forcing your way into sold out football matches or rock concerts, or threatening the Controller if you don't like these rules.
Top secret, experimental prototypes of powerful rifles are to be kept either in full view or locked into flimsy cupboards in preparation for being stolen.
Grenade launchers are not to be given to unstable operatives (unless the plot requires it).
Computers
The computers are to be used for official CI5 business only, and not for playing the lottery, exploring XXX websites or hacking into secret service databases.
The computer room is not to be used as a sauna, restaurant, or knocking shop.
9. Sick Leave
It is understood that operatives will be injured in the course of duty. In fact, any operative who is not regularly shot, beaten up or mentally tortured will be placed under suspicion of cowardice, and the appropriate disciplinary actions taken.
All operatives will take all necessary sick leave. That means you, sunshine. If you can't hold a gun (or yourself upright) you're no use to CI5. The doctor's word is final.
That being said, malingerers will be shot.
10. Expenses
What did you say? Expenses?? This is CI5, not some cushy Civvy Street job...
11. Disciplinary Procedures
These vary in severity according to the offence. (See list below for details of what constitutes a transgression.)
Minor transgressions will be punished by a rap over the knuckles with a wooden ruler (administered by the Controller).
Major transgressions will be punished by the addition of 5 (five) years extra active service and 6 (six) months compulsory Records Office duty.
Cheating in the Induction Exam will be punished by the transgressor being handcuffed to a chair and impelled to watch The Gun, constantly, without respite, for the duration of Operation Susie.
Trangressions
Minor:
a) Using all the loo roll and not telling anyone
b) Using the computer room for anything other than its specified purpose
c) Using all the milk and not replacing it
d) Ditto teabags
e) Ditto sugar
f) Ditto Bodie's sausages
g) Ditto Keel's pizza
h) Wasting ammunition by the indiscriminate shooting of innocent bystanders
i) Damaging official CI5 vehicles
j) Requesting leave
k) Requesting a pay rise
l) Cowardice
m) Dying on duty
Major:
a) Pinching the Controller's whisky