A page for wry observations of life, and things that don't belong in any other category.

Conversation Pieces

October 1999

Sheltering under a holly tree beside Hazel Brook at Blaise Castle while the rain pelted the earth into a swamp around us....
Ken - "But the weather forecast was sun, with occasional showers!"
Joules - "You sure they didn't mean showers with occasional sun?"

July 1999

Ken - "It's ironic really - the 'New Age' is old hat before the millenium dawns..."

June 1999

Ken - "I've discovered how to cure global warming. Just run Einstein's equation in reverse!"
[Silence while Joules tries to imagine running E=mc² backwards.....]

May 1999

Joules (glancing at the TV, while working on Doing Lunch in the Dark Zone - the Next Course, during the Spanish entry in the Eurovision Song Contest - hey, it was a saturday night! There was nothing else on!)- "Ye gods!! She's wearing a deckchair!!"

And just in case anyone's interested - I thought Belgium's song was wonderful - the only one in the contest with any real feeling, novelty or skill. The rest was just pop pap. And the contest as a whole was a politically-biased farce....

Joules (looking in the fridge) - "Well, whatever we have for dinner tomorrow, we're having salad with it..."
Ken - "Hmm. I suppose roast duck's out of the question then."
Joules - "Duck with salad... I suppose it would work. Though we should really have some fish."
Ken - "Well, duck's sort of.... like a.... flying fish..."

["A man has to stand on a hillside for a long time before a roast duck flies into his mouth..." (a Russian proverb, apparently...!)]

And since I forgot to take it out of the freezer, we had to put it in a bowl of water to try and defrost it in time for dinner - which led to Ken pointing into the water saying - "See? I said it was a sort of fish....." [...sigh...]

April 1999

Joules arrives home from town with a second-hand copy of The Vampire Book (The Encyclopaedia of the Undead) (the completely revamped 1999 version) and dives into it.....
Five minutes later - looking up scowling: "It's NOT complete. There's no mention of Rockula!!"
Ken (resigned): "You're the only person I know who can glance through an encyclopaedia and immediately find the one missing thing....."

February 1999

Wendy (tickling a squirming Kai): "Ooooh.... I could eat you up! Yum yum yum......"
Kai (pulling away and sitting on the other sofa): "No...... I'm a boy. I've got skin - I wouldn't taste very nice...."

[Walking through Nightingale Valley with Kai and Quyn, discussing The Little Book of Love Spells.....]
Ken: "And after that, we could use the excess material to write The BIG Book of Love Spells. Californians would love it......"
Joules: "Hmm...... The Big Book of Love Spells....."
Ken: "Or maybe, The Bumper Book of Love Spells...."
Kai (mishearing): "Oh yes, Dadda! The Bumper Book of Limescale!!"
Ken (after we'd stopped chortling): "Arnold Rimmer would be the first to reserve his copy...."

September 1998

Joules, doubtfully: "Can you put vinegar on potato waffles?"
Ken: "I don't see why not. They just look like pre-cast chips to me......."

Joules, frowning: "You know, the Zen Masters could be wrong.... You could step in the same piece of river twice - you just have to run very fast downstream....."

Kai (after hearing Joules say she'd made a pig's ear of the cooking): "Oh dear...... Mama, I've made a pig's nose of my dinner....."

August 1998:

Kai: "But I can't stop when I get to the end of the wall - I haven't got any brakes on my sandals!"

Babylon 5 - voiceover: "It's about the future..... it's about the past....."
Joules (to Ken): "It's about to start.....!"

June 1998:

Ken (to Kai) - "Umbrella - it's a sort of a roof on a stick....."

Kai - "Pick me up, dadda. Pick me up, dadda."
Ken - "Pick you up? Where's the 'Please'?"
Kai - "Um, inside of my mouf!"

Joules (to Kai) - "Let's hurry home; I'm tired and my legs are dropping off."
Kai (frowning) - "No they're not, mama. Legs can't fall off, they're joined to your body by skin...."

May 1998:

Joules - "I think I've spent too long in front of this computer. I was dreaming last night. Or rather, I was trying to dream.... But before I could access the dream, I had to decide which application to open it in...."

Earlier:

Ken - "Life is big and full of things. You can't expect to get it right all at once...."

Ken - "Some people have a silver tongue: I have silver fillings...."

Ken - "That's the beauty of videos - you can fast forward backwards...."

Ken - "I'm in the middle of being half-way through doing something next door...."

Joules - "Ignore me, I'm wittering."
Ken - "At least you have a wit to witter with!"

Joules - "If I do that again, hit me over the head with something heavy!"
Ken - "What - like an old Hawkwind album?"

Ken - "Sometimes you have to regard things as lead before you can turn them to gold...."